To Fear Your Shadow
by Cloud-1-3-5 and Ame Emi Dai
Summary: I just want to fly away. I want to fly away into the sun, higher than anyone has ever climbed before, and leave him far, far behind me. But every time I feel that dream beginning to form, he reminds me he is still there, waiting... and I'm afraid.


Short one-shot from Malik's POV. Hope you enjoy!

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You can't understand me.

You can't understand the pain.

You can't understand the suffering.

You can't understand how it feels, until you feel it yourself.

How can I describe it? How do you explain something that is you, but isn't _you_? It shouldn't be real. It shouldn't be possible. It doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't felt it. To have another you living inside yourself, waiting to rise up and swallow you at any time... but yet to know that it _is_ you, that really it's you swallowing yourself.

I call him my yami – my darkness. That is the only way I can describe him. All through my life, I've borne pain, suffering and anger. I've harboured thoughts of revenge, of causing pain to others to escape my own prison. And that is where _he_ came from.

'_Who are you talking to, hikari-mine?'_

'_No-one, yami. Please, leave me be. I want to rest.'_

_'Rest? Rest, you say? You are tired? Maybe Malik should help with that...'_

'_No! Please yami, I'll be fine later. I just need to rest.'_

_'Very well, hikari-mine, you may rest for now. Rest-rest-rest, and later Malik and his hikari can go and have fun. We can go and have fun-fun-fun, and dance in crimson rainfall...'_

Those feelings... they are what created him. They gave birth to him, fed him, nourished him, let him grow stronger. They made him what he is now. Those dark thoughts, those dreams of dark deeds, they spawned him, and they maintain him. For every wish to escape this hell that I make, for every drop of despair I feel, the darkness only closes tighter, creeping in on me.

Do you have any idea what it is like to be scared of yourself? To literally live in fear of your own shadow? To know that it is that very fear that sustains it?

He calls me hikari. 'Light.' He has chosen to take my name for himself, as if really _he_ is the true owner of this body. I know I was here first, and I know it is my body... but some days, I feel as though maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this isn't me any more. Maybe _he_ is me, and I'm just hanging on in denial of what I've become.

Have I really become that sick, twisted _thing_ that mocks me so? Is that really the truth behind my name? A monster?

Deep down inside me, I know that isn't true. Deep down inside me, there's a small voice that keeps me alive. I know I don't want to hurt people. I know I don't want revenge. I don't like going out on his reckless hunts, chasing innocent people to their deaths and laughing at their pain. I just want to be free. To be free of my prison, and to be happy. I still remember the first time I felt sunlight shine on my face, and how glorious that feeling was. I actually felt him retreat – not from the light outside, but from the light within me. When I felt that sunlight, I felt a small taste of freedom, and my heart soared.

I just want to fly away. I want to fly away into the sun, higher than anyone has ever climbed before, and leave him far, far behind me. But every time I feel that dream beginning to form, he reminds me he is still there, waiting to spring on me the moment I let my light dim too much...

And I'm afraid.

While I still exist, I can at least restrain him. I can't stop him, but I can ruin his fun. As much as I know just letting go and letting him take control would be easier on me, if I'm no longer here, he'll be free to do as he pleases... and I can't let that happen. People may not know of my personal sacrifice, and I may not be written in legend... but I can't bring myself to turn my back on the world.

_'I **thought **you wanted to rest, hikari-mine?'_

'_I do, yami. I shall go and rest soon.'_

'_Malik doesn't like being lied to, hikari-mine. You wouldn't lie to your precious Malik-darkness now, would you?'_

'_No yami. I wouldn't.'_

This burden grows heavier by the day. Every day, he speaks to me. He tries to break me with his words. He won't let me forget, and won't let me escape. I can feel it slowly grating at me, trying to bring me down and slowly weakening my defences.

I'm so afraid.

You can't begin to know what sort of fear I hold. You don't know how it feels, to be deathly afraid of yourself. Knowing you're your own worst enemy, capable of destroying all you love, is like hell in its own right. No word I know of can truly describe what I feel – how can it, when even I don't understand it?

I don't know how long this will go on for. I don't know whether he'll go, or whether he'll finally take control. And waiting is the worst part of all.

_'You're still not resting, hikari-mine?'_

'_I'll go now, yami.'_

'_Good, hikari. You know how I **hate** going against your will.'_

So afraid...

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Please review? ::holds out begging bowl::


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